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Cafe gal

December 2011

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Cafe gal

Oh Life

 I'm not sure if I should even bother with Livejournal much anymore.  I've come to realize that most people I used to hang with on here have moved to facebook.  I've had a facebook for a while, so I already jumped that bandwagon.  Doesn't help that I've changed accounts like...8 million times.  Should I even bother talking about my life anymore?  It's March now.  Last time I was on it was December and Mistress knows so much more has happened since then.

To start, I'd miscarried.  New Years wknd was...devastating. I lost my babe.  Guess there really isn't much that could be done about that.  It happened. On top of that, I find that all my fears were true.  Ry's been lying and cheating since then...the miscarriage just...had this nasty effect on him.   I more or less....lost it.  I just...lost it.  I grasped onto him even harder.  Hoping to god he'd just stop.  He'd just stop, come home, and love me.  Stupid girl eh?  Ever so hopeful.  Such a silly little dreamer.  Unfortunately or not, that part of me won't change.  I'll still hope and dream.  I always do, through all the heartbreaks, either done to me or inflicted on others.  Lord knows I've crushed a few on my own. 
 
I hate this.  I don't want to leave.  I have to.  I fly out the 15th of March.  I'm no going home, I don't really have one.  I'm going to chill with this chica for a while.  Out of everyone, I made a phonecall to her, crying and at my wits end...next thing I know I have a one way ticket and a chance to try again.  I get so wrapped up...just so...enthralled?  I fall so devastatingly hard! Just...crash into ever branch on the way down.  Blow after blow and I will still get up from the fall.  I have to.  It probably doesn't help that...birth control or not, I'm more than likely pregnant again.  My body is just retarded.  Then again, I guess it just heals really fast.  Undergoing a surgery to clean my body  of the...infection that had taken my child from me, just fuck my life.  I'm still so very hurt by that.  I always will....I had this insistance that he was going to be a boy....then I realized, subconciously I was picking girl names.   Something told me that he was in fact going to be a she.  I just knew it.  

Point being, I'm leaving.  I can't handle this anymore.  He's already got another girl lined up....good luck to him.  Good luck to him to find another woman that would give him even HALF of what I had given.  

Comments

Just so ya know, I still real LJ! ^-^ I might be late on a few things, but I do read enjoy reading others' thoughts! <3 I love you hun
I know darlin, but I don't write to be read really. I just realized that a lot of people moved on from here. I'm still using it because well, this silly site holds a place in my heart. Ridiculous online journal has seen my worst and best. Oh dear. Lol