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Cafe gal

December 2011

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Cafe gal

Am I the puppet in this show?

 I'm concerned. At the same time, I'm absent. I'm not here...I'm physically here but my mind is wandering. I feel like I'm halfway out of my body, like I'm on the verge of just breaking free and dashing through the essence of space. Am I a break in protocol? Who is out there? Who is watching me? Every day, it's all the same. SSDD right? That's how it feels. The difference is thought. Let it wander, let it flow. Where does it go? Where does it come from? Is it truly me? Or a superimposed impression? I don't even understand half of what I am saying, er typing as it would be.

Will my life in Arizona really be that much different? Or will I fall into old habits, fall into the old role I played so damn well? Will I always be the little doll that is often used for comfort, then I just take off running again. Like I fear everything...or have had enough. Just...up and go. Will I fall into the depression I am so often told I am really experiencing? Will the boys find me again? Will they cling and cling and cling until I am nearly screaming for freedom? Will my own father play me like the instrument I've learned to become? I feel sometimes, like my life is similar to a dramatic book...perhaps a play? Everyone has their own role, I'm a supporting character in my own story. The director? Who knows, but she sure as hell isn't me.

I know I will never stay put really. I will always find a reason to make a run for it. I can't sit still. I can't stay. People come and people go, my life is a constant flow of use and abuse and love and hope and frustrating confusion and fear. I used to constantly tell others to not wear those ridiculous mask with me. I will accept them for them...but are they even who they think they are? I wear no mask. What a foolish statement. I am not even aware of when it's put in place. I am not who I am. I am who I am not.