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Dec. 1st, 2010

Cafe gal

My heart all aflutter, hello future, I gaze with eyes unclouded.

 So apparently I was wrong. NOW I'm 7 weeks along.  It seems that I was so excited about being pregnant in the first place...I'd forgotten about a period mid-October.  Silly me.  So yeah...this little brat is definitely out to make mommy sick.  So very picky about every thing that comes near my face.  I had a day where pickles were my best friend to quell morning sickness, then the next morning they couldn't have been my worst enemy. XP

The only things the itty bitty doesn't seem to have an issue with thus far is meat and cheese.  It has to be cheddar cheese or swiss too.  Also...I'm not allowed to even LOOK at hotdogs.  That is a major no-no.  Ryan, poor dear, has tried to cook to my cravings each night and he pulled out hotdogs...I was in the bathroom for the rest of the evening.  He felt pretty bad.  I had to explain to him that it was okay and not his fault and that he would make my life better by grabbing me a glass of milk...which he did pretty quickly.  I feel so bad for the boy.   He's really trying and I can see that.  He seems to be getting comfortable with the idea that I'm in fact carrying his baby.  

We had an unsteady first few weeks where to even look at one another started an argument or an emotional breakdown on my end.   I felt absolutely ridiculous for it.  I couldn't understand why it was so easy for me to cry and why the stupidest of things made me pissy and moody.  We did however resolve the issue with his stupid phone.  The boy is addicted to that thing.  I lost my temper over it a few times and I think he finally got the hint.  I don't mind that he has friends obviously and they all want to play but...when we are in the middle of a conversation or watching a movie together it's rude to pull the phone out and text away.  I expressed to him how disrespectful that seemed to me and how insignificant it made me feel.  I have seen less of that phone since then which I am really thankful for.  

Trying to plan things out now.  I've got a few options to play with.  It seems that Ryan and I are going to have to move in a few months.  This house doesn't have enough room for a child to be included and I've demanded a new dog. Lol leave it to me to demand another animal to throw into the chaos.  I'd ask for a cat, but their is something in the litter box that I think is, detrimental to the child, so I'll wait a few years for that one.  A dog though, I'm already taking care of his pup so I think I've got it down.  We have a lot to work out if we want to make this a successful bond. 

We've both agreed that we are going to give it a bit of time.  The first year, we are often told, is the worst.  So, we are going to stick it out for a full year after our baby is born.  See if we can survive together.  I know we can.  We may have few things in common, but we are indeed a team to be aware of. Sure we argue, sure we disagree on things...but who wants to date themselves.  I'm different and I'm holding to who I am.  I am aware that compromises will have to be made, such as my schooling.  As soon as we get this going, I'm going to be taking online classes for a while as I stay at home with the babe.  He's more than likely going to be working, but he can bet that I'll do all I can to make the house comfortable for him to come home to.  I know this isn't easy and this will change both our lives drastically.  I'm ready for it.  I'm excited for it. I'm terrified for it.  Me...a mama....it's so WEIRD! Lol *hugs*  

Oh...and a random tidbit of info...it seems I'm due on my Mother's Birthday. How amazing is that!? Lol

Nov. 16th, 2010

Cafe gal

Cross-posted to Holiday_Wishes

Hiya! I'm Rebekah from the land of the midnight sun. I've recently turned 21 and am living life pretty eh...what's the word...dramatically. My life 'is' a soap opera in a sense. I'm absolutely thrilled to announce that I am pregnant and just about to hit 8 weeks. So although it will be mid-next year, my best gift is this little blueberry in my belly. I found this through a friend's journal and was enchanted. I am a little sad to say that I don't have a lot of money but I enjoy making things and sharing them with others so I will do my best to perhaps make a few wishes come true. I'd send my cookies but...I don't think I can do that and it be a lovely treat by the time it arrived. Haha. I guess to go on with my own personal wishlist? Gosh I haven't done something like this since elementary school so bear with me.

Wishes!

1. As I said before, I'm a little ways into my pregnancy and it is still too early but I would absolutely ADORE knitted or crocheted baby blankets. Preferrably bright, soft colours like yellow and green and a random lavendar. I think that something handmade would make it all the more precious and meaningful. It is cold up here and by the time itty bitty comes around it will be summer, but there is always another winter around the corner. Especially up here. Haha.

2. I see a trend going with those lovely creations called socks. I have loved socks since I was a little girl and would love knitted or crocheted ones since my feet always get cold up here. I'm a small gal as it is and my hands and feet are no exception so socks would be wonderful, knee highs if ya don't mind. If I can be so bold as to request certain colours? Orange, purple, blue, or green would be lovely or wacky designs. Hey. Wacky is a style. Lol

3. Perhaps a more personal note here. Being pregnant is scary. It's wonderful but oh so scary...so any of you moms and moms to be out there (and dads), have tips or stories you wouldn't mind sharing about your pregnancies and children that just bring a smile to your face that make everything worthwhile when it seems the hardest....would be greatly appreciated. I have no family up here so hearing from others would ease my mind and warm me up.

4. I'm a nut for coffee mugs. Pretty common I know but I love them and the way they feel in my hand filled with hot cocoa brings this perfect feeling over me. I'm NEVER picky about coffee mugs. They just magickally multiply in my cupboards. Unique ones with odd-shaped handles are always fun to hold. And because I love things handmade, if you took the time to make one and it finds it's way in my cupboard you can bet it will be in safe hands and have a lovely home here. I take excellent care of my mugs, even the ones that find themselves with chips when they get to me, all the more character I say.

5. Another random odd request? Christmas is a wonderful time of year but I grew up in a house where it was a fun time but not what it was all cracked up to be. I think we all kinda forgot that Christmas isn't 'about' presents, although they are really nice, but about spending time with the ones you love. I'm up here in Alaska without my family this year and it's kinda depressing because I don't have a whole lot of friends and the means to really get around. What I would like of ya'll are pictures of your christmas trees with all the lovely ornaments, if ya'll bake pies or spend the time to cook your dinner, pictures of those would be great too...(gosh I hope I don't sound creepy) and pictures of ya'll together as a family and with friends. I don't mean send them to me personally even though that would be great too, but if ya just post them in your journal and let me know when ya got them up that'd be just the bee's knees. It's always a nice thing to see people happy! Let's me know that there are other people out there and that the world isn't such a terrible place. There are always reasons to be happy.

6. Oh! I'm a crosstitcher and have been since I was 7, thanks to my mama, but I find myself in low supply of fabric and thread which makes it really hard to do all the little projects I love doing and would like to be doing the duration of my pregnancy. If you have a random stash of the threads and fabrics ya don't find yourself doing anymore I will gladly put it to use, or a local needlepoint store or a Michaels or JoAnns, they usually have them in rolled up containers. The fabric that is. I'm not picky about colour or size, although black is not desirable...really hard on the eyes.

7. Ya don't have to tell me if ya do this one, but all you folks out there with hidden talents or fabulous hobbies who have let them gather dust, bring them into the light for a bit. Remember the way it made you feel when ya got your hands all dirty in the garden or the sense of accomplishment when ya completed a painting so wholly yours or even baking a pie that may have 'looked' disastrous but tasted amazing (Speaking of experience). Read some of your old poetry, shortstories, or let your fingers trace the lines of old sketches. These things are all a part of you and always will be. Sometimes it's good to be reminded that you are unique and wonderful all on your own.

8. Ya don't have to say you did this either but if ya have a pet give them some extra lovin. Give them a good brushing, or a treat or even a new toy to remind them that you love them. These crazy little rascals help us get through rough times and love us unconditionally so they will love you all the more for it! Lol I have a little pup of my own and ya know, sometimes the days just get by us and we don't give him as much as he deserves. He's going to love me no matter what, but he does appreciate it when I come home with a stuffed goose toy. Silly fluffball.

9. (Jeez, coming up with 10 things is harder than I thought. Lol) Um...gosh I don't know what else to wish for. AH! Compliment someone genuinely. It always feels good to know you made someone feel better. Like, say they have a great smile...well voice it. Perhaps that person has had a rough day, had a particular depressing argument or something earlier. They may look at you oddly, but don't let that discourage you. They will remember what you said and that may have been all they needed to feel better about themselves. It always feels good to know that someone at least appreciates some quality you have, especially if you hadn't realized it yourself. I had someone tell me I had beautiful eyes and it just stunned me! I so appreciate them for telling me because sometimes I forget that I am a lovely individual. It's nice to be reminded.

10. My final wish is that you all have a wonderful christmas and make warm memories. Tell your parents you love them, hug your children, tell your sister she's a dork but an amazing dork. (My own sis might kick my butt for that.) It's never a bad time to let them know that you still love them.



Edit: I can't believe I forgot my contact information. How silly of me! Lol

Rebekah M. Grant
22675 Needels Loop.
Chugiak, AK 99567

Nov. 14th, 2010

Cafe gal

Update on life much?

So, I'm 6-7 weeks along now.   It's a frightening thought...terrifying and oh so exciting.  I'm feeling so many different emotions that just rise and fall every few minutes.  I'm not sure how I am feeling right now...kinda regretting I didn't go out tonight but I was stoked to finally be in my bed.  I hadn't slept in my bed for a few nights and I'm guessing I'm going to have to get used to being alone.  Oh...well I guess technically I am not alone. I have a blueberry growing in my tummy.  It's so hard to believe that this is happening to me. That I am actually carrying a child...and I have never been happier about it.  I want this child.  I talk to him already...a little shakily I'll admit, but I want to develop a bond. I don't want to mess up anywhere. I want the little blueberry to know I love him very much. My little blueberry....the nickname just seems to fit ya know? I'm trying to figure out if I want to breast feed.  Whether or not I want my baby to sleep with me first before I introduce a crib....oh gosh...I'm going to be a mama....Can anyone believe that? I don't even know at this point! It's all so overwhelming. I can't even IMAGINE how Ryan is feeling right now.  I'm not going to let anything bother me right now.  I can't afford to stress too much...I'm only in the first trimester.  I don't want a miscarriage...I really really don't.  Sometime within the next week I am GOING to a fricken clinic.  It will happen. I need to know what is going on with me right now.

Oct. 21st, 2010

Cafe gal

Pissy Little woman much?

 I know he's stressed.  I know he's going through a lot of stuff that could very well get him into trouble.   He tells me I shouldn't stress, that that was his job.  And my response is, how can I not be stressed when I'm pregnant and I don't even know where I'm going to be living come this weekend.  How can I not be stressed when I feel like a second thought to you all the time.  I know you are busy, I know you are stressed. I know you can get into serious trouble with the military because of me. Should have thought about that before you started fucking me.  Should have thought about that before you brought me from Texas to Alaska with the intention of marrying me and having babies.  This is going to get way out of hand soon, if you don't act now.   I know you are still in love with Ashley, I could never ask you to disregard her, she's a rad gal and hell, I think she's amazing.  If it were legal for girls to marry, I'd marry her and give her anything she'd ever want and desire.  Course, I'm an odd one...so...yeah.  However, I'm pregnant with your child.  I'm living in your house.  I'm sharing your bed.  For what?  Just for the fuck of it?  I have no insurance...none. Whatsoever.  This baby will need to be taken care of and if you don't do something, I'm gone. With baby in tow.  I need a bit of stability from you.  I'm going to be stressed....jesus christ I'm going to be stressed ya dimwit.  Being pregnant is a big change in a woman's life.  Of course I'm going to be nuts.  If I can't get that stability from you, then I shouldn't be here.  I can take care of myself, I just figured you would like a chance this time to actually 'see' your child.  If you don't step up soon, I'm going where I know I will find stability.  

Oct. 20th, 2010

Cafe gal

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, that's alright because I like the way it hurts.

I'm a tad more stable today...perhaps it's because I'm actually a morning person and after that first cup of coffee life just seems amazing? Lol I don't know.  I'm still a tad panicky with my current state, but what can you do but take life as it comes at you right?  Without a doubt, I have GOT to be pregnant.  I've taken two at home tests, both of which came up positive and my body did a serious twist on me.   I can almost feel my body shift on me.  My body, and my mind.  I can almost feel the absences more often now.  Absences...how do I explain those...perhaps, out of body experiences?  I can almost feel like I've left my body and just...go above it.  Eh, maybe I'm just tired. Maybe...maybe a lot of things.  I'm currently living with Ryan now, my 3rd move in the past...oh...jeez 4months?  And somewhere in there I managed to get pregnant.  I'm not too surprised.  It was bound to happen with the way Ryan and I are.  It should have happened at least 2 times before now with how crazy I get.  Eh, life?   

The truth is, I just don't know anymore.  I sit down in the living room, watch him play his video games from an angle that prevents me from seeing the television screen, watching his eyes shift as they take in the game's mechanics.  Watch as his mouth sits open, almost dumbly, and his fingers move to the corresponding buttons to actions he can see activated.  He's so wrapped up in this silly game.  I haven't seen him all day, and he wants nothing more than to chill, play his videogames, and on occasion say something to me when he thinks I'm not paying attention.  I wonder to myself, is this what I want.  Can I handle this for years to come? Do I want to be at home every day, waiting for him to even give me a thought...waiting for him to realize that I am indeed there?  Wait for home to look up from his game to see that I'm sitting there...waiting.  I won't be young forever, the fool.  I am a fool to be willing to sit here for him, but for now, sit here I will.  I just want him to cherish me, to see that I'm a living, breathing girl.  That I have a heart, a mind, a soul...and oh so much more to offer than a videogame.  Except that's all that seems to please him right now.  Is that enough for me? To sit and watch idly by?  My fingers clasp onto one another, my thumbs twiddle as millions of thoughts cross my mind.  Memories of past loves, who seemed to cherish more moreso, and continue to do so even to this day.  And here I sit, watching this man play his games as I feel like I'm only the bitch that carries the pup.  I'm so much more than that.

Oh Ryan, can't you see? I'm so much more than that.  Can't you see that?  Can't you see that I have inner strength and power that only awaits the word to unleash into the universe.  Can't you see that I'm more than the average gal?  I've got a brain, I know how to use it . I've got two perfectly useful hands that build and create to my heart's content....I've got eyes that see differently than most....I have COMMON sense for god's sake! That's a GIFT these days.   This all just seems like bad math.  1 + 1 = 42. Meaning of life anyone?   Am I willing to settle?  Settle for a man that makes me feel as if I am indeed insignificant....even if I carry his child, I still feel as if I am on the sidelines.  A second thought. A minor concern.  Wtf man....if I'm with child, my importance should skyrocket.  Yet, you still can't take the time to focus on me....maybe that's where I'm wrong.  Maybe you shouldn't focus on me.  Maybe you shouldn't see that I am indeed with your child.  Maybe I should just skip out and take the next flight out of here to someone who will actually drop his videogame controller just to touch me.  To hold me. To cherish me.  To love me.  ...if I really think about it...I don't think you really do love me at all Ryan.  

The only ounce of solace I reach with you is as you sleep.  I watch you sleep, you know?  It's hard to actually sleep now...I can't even rest my brain enough to get a full hour out.   You curled up with me last night.  I'd never seen you do that before.  I was a bit taken aback....You'd wrapped around me and rested your head on my chest.  My personal favourite way to sleep is with my little brother's head on my chest as he wraps around me.  Just...out!  You did that last night.  You drooled on me! I was entranced.  I didn't want you to move because it was the most comfort I'd felt in a long time.  I felt, for that moment in time, that all would be okay.  I don't think I should even feel that way, but I long for that kind of comfort. The closeness, the need, the hope that it is just hard now, but it will get better.  

Oct. 12th, 2010

Cafe gal

NanoWrimo Outline

 Work in Progress

• Backstory?
• Setting? (Multiple settings...cabin in the wild, office room, city. His home, her home, school underground chambers, temples of dragons.)
• Thicken it, it's too thin.
• More detail, it's lacking
• Change POV
• A segment of a more involved story?
• Style of writing, more appealing, more vocal, spaced better.
• Incorporate personalities and wild impulsives.
• Throw in some flair, make it more exciting.
• Focus on human emotion and interaction. A psychological standpoint perhaps?


Psychological, romantic? Realistic? Flair of fantasy? Magickal and modern. Modernized as in cars, cell phones, spys, assassins, mercenaries.
Two souls occupying one body. Confusion, despair, destruction, human nature. Magickal as in dragons, witchy nature, inner power and strength.
Paranormal, spirits, demons.

Main Female of 1st novel: Hollie: Angry daughter, getting back at her father. Inside job. Works for an opposing spy set-up. Her soul is in all actuality occupied by two. Split in half.
She is the fiery half of a whole. Wild by nature, impulsive, aggressive, sharp-tongue, quick to act, spitting image of her mother. Elemental practitioner, reptilian-speaker. (Discover's abilities later on in novel.)

Main male of 1st novel: Peter: Apathetic son. Laid back, soft-spoken, works behind the scenes. Calm, cool, collected. A tinkerer. (Can command technology
by thought, always had the ability, discovered it at 5 when very angry.) He is the cool half of the whole. Thinks in numbers and codes.
Most wanted by the government for tapping into the system and mixing information up for the hell of it.

Corinne: The whole being. Terrifingly powerful. *brings about the apocalypse*

*Ending* Main male of 2nd novel: Thom: "So what do we do now?" (Dragons overhead, blowing fire and destroying the city)
Main Female of 2nd novel: Lynn: "Hell if I know, but somehow we have to stop her...before..."
Main Male of 2nd novel: Thom: "We will. The world is not over yet, we are still here."
(Cori is at the top of a makeshift metal fortress with circuits of electricity running through visibly, dragons circling
her and roaring threateningly to other dragons, a pulsing aura surrounding her body. (*Power overwhelmed the whole being and she pretty much flipped out. Too intense for a single human psyche. Similar
to Phoenix: Dr. Jean Grey and Charles Xavier.*)



1st novel: Hollie, Peter, Corinne.
2nd novel: Corinne, Thomas 'Thom', Katlynn 'Lynn'.

(Hollie's Theme; Stand up, Trapt)
(Peter's Theme; The Autumn Effect 'Piano Version,' 10 Years)
(End of the world Theme; Passive, A Perfect Circle.)

Background childhood: Both Hollie and Peter are actually two halves of a whole. They would have been originally born as one, but their mother cast a spell, tearing their soul
in two separate shells to be born as two, to keep their father from getting his hands on the most powerful being in the world. Feared the apocalypse, postponed the inevitable.


Peter was sent away to another family, poor and desolate they were and both his 'parents' died. His mother died of being beaten senseless by the father who later died of a bizarre
accident. *Peter lost his temper and finally snapped, the electrical wires of the broken down computer sprang to life and tore the man apart.* His parent's uncle took him in
sensing the power from the small boy and gave him books to read and watched him fiddle with everything within reach.

Hollie grew up with her biological father, who was trying to discover that powerful seed in her and is at a loss as to how to bring it to the surface, subjected her to a great
deal of scientific experiments, all failures. No one knows that Peter exists except the mid-wife. Hollie has a spell over her cast by the mid-wife who stole Peter away, that takes the form of a small, onyx gem on her sternum,
surpresses her magickal abilities. Similar to Cailet.
She refused to be overshadowed by anyone, her nature is to be number one, Top wildcat, no one can cage her. After her not so friendly childhood at her father's hands.



(How terrible am I going to be. To make them one they are to share a bloodbond. They also develop an intimate relationship.) (No one knows they are siblings but the mid-wife, who is long-dead.)

Do they unknowingly bond and join as Corinne? Or do so intentionally for curiosity as to who they truly are as a sole being?
(Does Hollie's dragon warn her against it? Or give her the option on her own without enlightening her. If that were the case what a terrible guardian. Perhaps she is just as arrogant? Enjoys
playing god. Prideful beast, enjoys playing games with human lives. Is originally 20-30ft tall...but shrinks down to a foot and a half for transport and to not spooking foolish humans and to chill out on Hollie's shoulder
because she has a blast watching her go crazy on people. She unlocks her magickal potential. Just to see.)

Oct. 7th, 2010

Cafe gal

Furiously frustrating day.


So, I was a very angry woman today. I believe rightfully so as well.  

I was at work, just doing my job when I get a tense text from Ryan.  He's stressing about not being able to register his jeep because he doesn't have the money at the moment and they won't let him drive it apparently.  I thought about it for a moment and decided, since I'm giving him $500 for my truck anyway, why not just give him $200 tomorrow for his jeep's registration, since tomorrow is payday.   I threw that idea his direction, he said he didn't know.  Then about 5 min. later...he texted me again and said that wasn't good enough and that he needed it now.  So feeling a tad agitated, I texted him back that that was all I could do and that he was fucked up for saying it that way.  Either he just suck it up and wait or call one of his other friends.  I was irritated because I was willing to help as soon as I could and it 'wasn't good enough.' 

Then he went off about Nakeen, the girl who is living with him at the moment, about how he couldn't get ahold of her.  So, I said that she was coming over later today, which she never did btw.  He said, "I don't care what you two do."  So I reacted again.  I said straight up, don't be a dick. I have a phone, as do you.  I will call when she gets here and you can chat.

So, later on that day, I get home after picking up some milk, creamer and...a pregnancy test...because my body has been spazzing lately.  I texted Nakeen and told her that I was about to take the test...and that I would let her know what it said.  So she said...rather rudely, Whatever...and I can't deal with this right now....This was after I'd taken the test...and it read positive.   Which...just upset me to be honest.  So, Nakeen was being rude and hurtful...and I decided to text Ryan. Asking why everyone was so angry with me today.  He said no one was, just that they were all tired of my 'woe is me' act.  Which just...completely PISSED me off.   I told him straight up that if he thought I was being a 'damsel in distress' he was SO wrong.  I was going to tell him it was positive..but then he got on my case and was like..'wtf do you expect of me.'  I said...'nothing now.'  He said, I'll do what's expected of me, you do what you want.  So my last text to him was, "I'm going to the clinic tomorrow. I'll tell you what's expected and what 'I'M' going to do about it." 

He pissed me off so bad!  I was furious!  I chucked my phone across the room and watched it leave a dent in the wall.   Surprisingly the stupid thing still works just fine but I am fucking done with that jerk-off.  He can't keep evoking these feelings in me.  I don't trust at-home-tests, because my best friend in AZ took 3 and they all said negative...her daughter turned 1 in August. 

That's part of why I'm concerned....my patience is in short supply lately...I'm eating everything...I'm cooking, cleaning, and working like a mad-woman.   I'm slowly gaining weight too...I have minor changes that 'could' mean pregnancy.  I'm not getting too worked up about it right now...because I've had scares before that really weren't anything at all. However, it is on my mind and I'm paying attention to my body pretty intensely.  If I am, I need to be completely positive here soon so I know what steps to take to keep going. I'm not going to do shit with Ryan. I'll tell him if it's a boy or a girl, but I'm naming them and they will just stay with me. Fuck Ryan right now.  If I'm going to have a man in my life, or in my child's life for that matter, it will be with someone who respects me and doesn't treat me like crap.  I'm so done with that. I hurt myself mentally enough as it is, I don't need his help.  I am indeed an angry woman. Lol

Oct. 5th, 2010

Cafe gal

Goals For until a year from now

  1. Get that truck
  2. Get an Alaska license to drive said truck
  3. Pick up winter clothes
  4. Get a laptop
  5. Enrolled in school
  6. Have my own apartment
  7. Learn to crochet
  8. Get Bank of America straight or consider a new bank
  9. Finish at least 'one' rough draft of a novel
  10. A better job, hopefully entry level work in Veterinarian offices
  11. Discover whether Ryan is worth my time or not
Just a few I felt I needed to list.  More later.
Two halves of a whole

As the days go by, I see that I am not getting any younger. It's time to act before it's too late.


I just spent the past few hours lying down in my bedroom, nearly alone save for my ever friendly cat, Priscilla Baby.   I glance at myself in the vanity mirror momentarily and surprise myself with how much older I've gotten.  Sounds silly coming from a 21 year old, yes...but I look a bit different now than I did when I was 12.   It's almost frightening to realize that I am indeed getting older. What on earth am I doing?  Where am I destined to travel?  I am not meant to stay put.  I am not meant to remain in one place for long.  Just jump from place to place...see the world, reach out and take hold of the future that is my own.  Where will this path take me?  Job, school, career, life.  Will I be a mother in my lifetime? Do I entertain the idea?  Or will I grab for the chance my mother did not have and show the world what I have to offer.  I know I am a powerful woman full of potential...I can do SO much. I can feel it. I am much more than French fries and double cheeseburgers. I am much more than animated, nearly computerized smiles.  Automated kindness, simple gestures, and quick movements in the groove of work.  I want to have so much more than this.  I need it.  I'd say I need Ryan, but I don't...even though the mere thought of that man wrenches this feeling in my gut that nearly catches my breathe entirely and I am left without oxygen.  I know I want him in my life...but I feel that he does not desire me.  So I will let him be until he searches me out.  Until he takes the initiative to find me.  I want to know if he even thinks about me.  What better way to answer that question than ignore him for a week or two, since he gets annoyed if I even ask?


It's just something I feel I have to do.  If he calls or texts me, that will tell me that I at least cross his mind.  I will no longer share his bed.  I do not like the thought that I am always welcome in his bed until he says otherwise.  I don't feel it should work like that.  So, I am just taking that out of the equation completely.  It's not fair to me and is a tad disrespectful to myself. I will not do that to myself.  I don't like it, I won't do it.  Sure I'm lonely when I don't feel him breathing beside me, his warmth wrapped around me, but...it's better without it altogether than to take it for what it's worth and then get a phonecall or come over to find another woman in his bed.   Not putting myself through that.  My soul doesn't deserve a heartbreak like that again and I won't put her through that again.  Ironically, I'm tempted to call his landlord and have him teach me to play guitar.  I think I will ask him the next time I am over. Even though I do not have my own guitar anymore, my sweet Anael,  I will get one soon enough.  I miss feeling the strings underneath my fingertips and I love the sound of acoustic.  It may do me some good.  I do feel a small connection with Dave, although it may be because he is just a sweet man with a good heart.  I look forward to it.  Most people would think I am weird, but I do enjoy the company of older men.  I get along better with men who are old enough to be my father.  I wonder if that is indeed, strange.


Oct. 4th, 2010

Muse ON!!!

NaNoWriMo anyone?

I'm preparing for the grueling cruelty of those lovely muses...oh how they tease me so!  I begin every day waking from fitful dreams where the mere apparitions of characters tickle my fancy and startle my senses.  I wonder who they are, where they've spawned from, and where it is they will drag my willing, yet unwilling pen.   A fiery woman of plenty distress and dramatic flair.  A dark, brooding boy with a spirit of gold, unbeknownst to all but one.  A mischievous, thieving man with plenty of humour. A wild-eyed girl with power beyond her control, and a desire to be heard.  Who are these people who haunt my nightly visitations to the open universe.

Unlikely friends?  Victims of chance and circumstance?  Bonded together through individualistic power.  What is it....what do they want with me?  Taboo?  Are there forbidden desires?  Fleeting moments of understanding?   Oh speak to me muses!  Let me share their stories with the world! Bless me with your gifts!

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