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Cafe gal

December 2011



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Dec. 5th, 2011

Cafe gal

She stood silent and watched...

 She stood silent and watched, but that was a joke, inside there wasn't a moments peace as thousands of thoughts swirled dizzily, her throat catching as she tried to choke back tears. Her heart shattered into millions of shards, crashing and thrashing so loudly she feared her mind would burst. Her eyes took in the images, blurring and reddening and fading out but it was done. His actions would alter her perceptions forever, but for now it was nothing but him, him and 'her'.
The world around her started spinning and before she realized exactly what she was doing, she was out on the streets, running. Just running as far from him as she could, her throat tearing with the screams of despair that frightened her. She never knew she could feel so much, could hurt so terribly. Young and naive, isolated from everyone and the one person she trusted, threw it in her face to watch, over and over again in her inner eye. She suddenly stopped, the rain starting to fall as she closed her eyes and faced the heavens to feel the cold touch her hot skin. Her body felt light, hollow even, as if the wind could just pick her up and carry her away.  

Mar. 29th, 2011

Cafe gal

(no subject)

Leave it to me to hit an emotional wave and get tossed about it like a silly little rowboat in the ocean in the middle of a storm.   I swear.  I cried so fricken hard my nose started bleeding.  It just....something came over me.  Doesn't help Ryan has been a complete fucking douchebag that knows exactly how to hurt.  Ya know...I still feel...strangely isolated.  I don't know what it is.  Something isn't sitting right. Something isn't...here. Is it the lack of Demetri?  I don't know.  I just want to get this stupid life of mine up and moving and do something. WHY am I hurting so bad right now?  Maybe it's the fact that my bed is empty.  That everything is really starting to hit.  Like I'm still walking in a fog and bits and pieces are starting to shine through and they burn.  

Something is definitely wrong inside.  My body is fine. Our baby is fine.  It's me.  My mind is whirling constantly.  Images waver before my sight and then just as quickly mesh into fear and loneliness.  I'm in a house full of people and animals and I'm lonely.  Everything makes me stop and realize that every night, I still go to bed alone.  Well...not technically alone I guess.  Baby is still in there.  Maybe I'm just being stupid.  Maybe I need to eat this sandwich and go to bed.  Yeah...that's what I'll do.   No one can fix my loneliness but me.

Mar. 22nd, 2011


Yay life.

I'm so good at randomly posting...Lol  So Ryan calls me just about every night now.  Texts me throughout the end of the day because he has work in the am/pm.  Joys of the military.  This pregnancy should be interesting.  I'm eating a lot, although I'm not hungry.  At least I don't recognize the symptoms for hunger...I just eat.  I am still unsure what Ryan wants to be honest.  I know he wants to be a part of my life as well as our child's, but he just can't do anything until after his surgery.  He's got his hands tied right now and I'm trying to see if WIC would just be easier for the both of us.  I shouldn't even bother thinking what would be easier but what would be best for my child.  I don't get the whole JAG thing, I don't understand most of anything and I have outright told him that the babe is now more important than me.  So his well-being is not what I'm concerned about anymore.  I'm sad he is hurting, but I'm more worried about how this whole situation should be handled.  How in the long-run it will be better for my baby.  I want him so much to be a big part of this.  He claims he wants to.  I just don't get him right now.  I don't think he can think clearly now.  I'm still the last darlin he's slept with since I left. I know this.  I just know. I trust my intuition.  Although, it may be that whole thing, Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  It may very well be just that.  I still just know though.  The future is a dazzled mess.   I am always whining about the same things it seems.  At least this time around I'm closer to stepping up in the world.  I'm going to try for this week to get a permit.  Read through the book twice before I actually realized there were questions in the far back....So I'm going to study those questions as well as read it through again.  You never know with some places how they like to mess with your head.  They are, after all, only review questions. 

Steph was working on math last night and I felt a twinge of longing.  I miss school.  Immensely so.  I doubt I'm going to be attending within the next few months, however I do know there is a single mother scholarship chillin out there, so perhaps I'll grab onto that one.  I don't know.  I really just don't know.  AHHH!!! Random spaz.  I still think about that ridiculous man. All the fricken time.  I  stop, look at my tummy, place my hand over it and just wonder.  I wish he were here to experience this with me. I refuse to go somewhere that keeps me separated from the world though. He has to come here. I want him to be here at least for my birthday.  I want him to take leave and come see me.   Then again for the baby's birth.  I want him so badly to be a part of this. To be completely honest, if he'd scheduled his surgery earlier, I wouldn't have left so soon.  If I'd known, I would have stayed to help him, because he is going to be alone for this.  I have to remember though, he did fuck up.  He did make the choice to hurt me.  I know he is sorry for it, whether he admits it or not.  I can read him pretty easily now.  I hear it in his voice.  I'm so sorry he is hurting so badly though.  I wish I could take the pain away.  I hope the surgery goes well.  He'll be hurting for a while, that's for sure.  

He just needs to fricken divorce that woman.  Get it over with.  Stop taking care of her, she's a big girl.  She's with her own boyfriend and pregnant with his child. Let them take care of their own baby.  Silly boy, take care of the child in my belly. I GUARANTEE he is indeed yours.  We are all adults now...age-wise anyway.  We act pretty ridiculous sometimes...and I have my immature moments...a lot....Lol  oh jeez. Fail on my part. Blah. All I talk about is Ryan.  I'm going to talk to my little parakeets for a little bit...see what may come of that.  I want to bond with them and see if I can get used to them, and them me. Lol Oh silly little birds...

Mar. 20th, 2011

Cafe gal

(no subject)

So, I'm finally back in Arizona.  Definitely pregnant, that's for sure. I knew I was.  I just knew.  I was already talking to my stomach a few weeks ago.  Something just triggered the reaction.  I asked myself outright.  "Beka, are you pregnant?" No hesitation. "Yes. Yes you are."  I just knew.  I guess after the first time you can just tell.  You pick up on all the same symptoms.  Now I don't fear being pregnant. I don't even fear for my well-being now.  I know that I will be taken care of either way.  WIC already has my paperwork...but I still want Ry to step in and claim his child.  He wants to. He wants to be apart of the babe's life.  I want him  to be apart of my babe's life.  I always have.   Point being though, Ry has to come to me. I will not get myself stuck again for his sake.  This isn't just about me anymore.  I can't afford to be stuck and leave that as the only means for my baby.  I love Ry, but sometimes I just can't rely on him because he is on a one-track mind.  That wouldn't be so bad, if I had the means to take care of myself.  Which I didn't up there...so here I stay.  He wants to be a part of my life, he needs to come down here.  Anywhere afterwards will require some serious discussion.  And time.  A lot of time.  I'm not jetting out of here as soon as he appears.  Not happening.  I need to be set.  I need to be stable for my baby.  I do hope that I even make it that far.  Oh please Mistress let me make it that far.  I so want his child.  I wouldn't have participated in lovely activities with him if I didn't have a slight hope.  Carrying his baby is just so...he's a good man....he will  make it worth it all.  I have faith in him still.  Although I shouldn't. I shouldn't trust him period...but I still do.  He has a good heart, just immature.  Thus the time.  We both need it.  I need him to be more mature ans to handle his responsibilities no matter how hard.  I need to be stable without having to have him take care of me.

Mar. 9th, 2011

Cafe gal

Am I the puppet in this show?

 I'm concerned. At the same time, I'm absent. I'm not here...I'm physically here but my mind is wandering. I feel like I'm halfway out of my body, like I'm on the verge of just breaking free and dashing through the essence of space. Am I a break in protocol? Who is out there? Who is watching me? Every day, it's all the same. SSDD right? That's how it feels. The difference is thought. Let it wander, let it flow. Where does it go? Where does it come from? Is it truly me? Or a superimposed impression? I don't even understand half of what I am saying, er typing as it would be.

Will my life in Arizona really be that much different? Or will I fall into old habits, fall into the old role I played so damn well? Will I always be the little doll that is often used for comfort, then I just take off running again. Like I fear everything...or have had enough. Just...up and go. Will I fall into the depression I am so often told I am really experiencing? Will the boys find me again? Will they cling and cling and cling until I am nearly screaming for freedom? Will my own father play me like the instrument I've learned to become? I feel sometimes, like my life is similar to a dramatic book...perhaps a play? Everyone has their own role, I'm a supporting character in my own story. The director? Who knows, but she sure as hell isn't me.

I know I will never stay put really. I will always find a reason to make a run for it. I can't sit still. I can't stay. People come and people go, my life is a constant flow of use and abuse and love and hope and frustrating confusion and fear. I used to constantly tell others to not wear those ridiculous mask with me. I will accept them for them...but are they even who they think they are? I wear no mask. What a foolish statement. I am not even aware of when it's put in place. I am not who I am. I am who I am not.

Mar. 7th, 2011

Cafe gal

Oh Life

 I'm not sure if I should even bother with Livejournal much anymore.  I've come to realize that most people I used to hang with on here have moved to facebook.  I've had a facebook for a while, so I already jumped that bandwagon.  Doesn't help that I've changed accounts like...8 million times.  Should I even bother talking about my life anymore?  It's March now.  Last time I was on it was December and Mistress knows so much more has happened since then.

To start, I'd miscarried.  New Years wknd was...devastating. I lost my babe.  Guess there really isn't much that could be done about that.  It happened. On top of that, I find that all my fears were true.  Ry's been lying and cheating since then...the miscarriage just...had this nasty effect on him.   I more or less....lost it.  I just...lost it.  I grasped onto him even harder.  Hoping to god he'd just stop.  He'd just stop, come home, and love me.  Stupid girl eh?  Ever so hopeful.  Such a silly little dreamer.  Unfortunately or not, that part of me won't change.  I'll still hope and dream.  I always do, through all the heartbreaks, either done to me or inflicted on others.  Lord knows I've crushed a few on my own. 
I hate this.  I don't want to leave.  I have to.  I fly out the 15th of March.  I'm no going home, I don't really have one.  I'm going to chill with this chica for a while.  Out of everyone, I made a phonecall to her, crying and at my wits end...next thing I know I have a one way ticket and a chance to try again.  I get so wrapped up...just so...enthralled?  I fall so devastatingly hard! Just...crash into ever branch on the way down.  Blow after blow and I will still get up from the fall.  I have to.  It probably doesn't help that...birth control or not, I'm more than likely pregnant again.  My body is just retarded.  Then again, I guess it just heals really fast.  Undergoing a surgery to clean my body  of the...infection that had taken my child from me, just fuck my life.  I'm still so very hurt by that.  I always will....I had this insistance that he was going to be a boy....then I realized, subconciously I was picking girl names.   Something told me that he was in fact going to be a she.  I just knew it.  

Point being, I'm leaving.  I can't handle this anymore.  He's already got another girl lined up....good luck to him.  Good luck to him to find another woman that would give him even HALF of what I had given.  

Dec. 23rd, 2010

Digging my life

Another night, but what does it matter right?

A lot is on my mind...but at the same time it's all the same shit so really, nothing is on my mind at all.  I already got my answer.  Why should I expect him to change just because what he does hurts me.  I should know better by now.  I really should.  You'd think I would.  Alas, I never get it until it's pummeled into my brain.  I already know how I feel...and at the moment...I know his feelings on the subject too.  He still wants to do it though and there is no changing his mind.

Christmas is literally right around the corner and it doesn't feel much like a joyous holiday.  Except from Que.  He's my little, furry partner in crime.  Being unhappy is foreign to this little thing.  I love him right to death...he saves me from depression, I think.  If it weren't for his fluffy love, I probably wouldn't be here right now.  I'd more than likely have already left.  Who am I kidding.  No I wouldn't have.  I'm too stupid for this guy.  I'm willing to give him so much more of me than I think I can honestly give.  I really shouldn't do any of this.   I want to give him a chance.  It may very well kill me in the end though...if not physically, at least emotionally I'll be shot.   Can I do it?   Probably not.  Am I going to?  Yes. Because I'm just that stupid for him.  I'm more than willing to give him that much of me. 

Maybe I shouldn't.  Maybe I should.  Whose choice is it but my own and the consequences will fall to both me and my unborn child.  This little life that is growing more and more each passing day...oh how I love my child so...and they aren't even here yet.  I'm afraid...downright terrified...but at the same time, I feel a sense of calm when thinking about my baby.  Then unsettling sensations is from the father.  He just ...sets me off on so many levels.  There is a lot that I just don't want to do, but I do it for his sake...and I'm slowly understanding that perhaps...that perhaps that is wrong...that is what is wrong.  Because I give so much...with no means of him earning any of it.  That's always been my problem I guess.  I'm not going to say I'm not selfish...that's ridiculous.  I'm downright selfish...I'm terrible sometimes.  Again...my own mother says I have some serious issues...and again I think sadly on just how little of my life she knows.  Ironically, she probably knows me better than anyone and probably understands better than anyone...but I just can't say anything.  I can't open that door again.  It's a door that's been closed and it will, by God, stay that way.  I open that door...and I will just lose everything.  Let it stay sealed forever.  I'm so tired...I'm so very very tired...and again...I sleep alone tonight.  How often will this happen, I wonder.

Dec. 21st, 2010

Cafe gal

A tad unamused.

 It's another night where I'd hoped for some kind of quiet bit of relaxation.  That doesn't seem to be in the cards apparently.  Ryan's friend decided to randomly appear....and bring alcohol.  I'm a bit agitated by this, but I'll get over it I guess.  The fact that he is inviting another woman that I don't know into my house irritates me even further.  Especially since the way he was talking about her like she was nothing but  a fuck.  Really?  How damned inconsiderate and rude. I was five seconds from getting up and smacking him across the mouth.  I don't appreciate that kind of talk about other women in my house.  It's demeaning to me as well as other women.  To think I'm okay with that is stupid.  I don't appreciate that he thinks he can just walk in like he owns the place, look me up and down like I'm some kind of treat, then call this girl and make it seem like he just wants to see her when all he has in mind is getting his dick wet.  What a fucking jerk.  Sometimes I just wish I lived alone with a little black cat and had a rad-ass girlfriend.  

Dec. 19th, 2010

Cafe gal

Nothing much, just letting go.

 My mother said to me...."You have issues Rebekah.  Serious issues."  It stopped my ramblings for a few seconds.  I let it sink it that my own mother said that to me.  The first thing that crossed my mind was...'If only you knew mama....if only you knew.'    It's almost frightening just how much I keep from my own family...but I don't do it to be secretive or whatnot...I just feel that some things are better left unsaid and over time...life just goes on.  My childhood wasn't a bowl of cherries, a ray of sunshine, a zip-a-dee-doo-da time.  There were a lot of crazy, fucked up things that happened.  However, there was a great deal that I look back on and smile.  I laugh at some of the silly shit I did.  I'm not ashamed of my life, although there are times where I look back and I become sad.  It doesn't last long, but sometimes I just wish things had gone smoother, hadn't been so...traumatic.  Maybe then I wouldn't be so codependent. Maybe then I wouldn't dig for affection and acceptance.  It takes a whole lot to tell myself that I deserve so much more.  It takes a whole lot for me to even say that I am not really a bad person at all.  I have my moments...but don't we all? I am a product of my raising.  I am like my mother and father...but I am not my mother and father.  I am their daughter.  Wholesome, wild and hopeful.  

Dec. 13th, 2010

Two halves of a whole

Work in Progress

 I never knew it would hit me quite so hard. I hardly saw it coming. My own impending destruction. Every whisper, every gesture, every little shift of the clothe and my pulse would quicken to such a pace I am certain it would tear through my skin. Even just the slightest hint of an unspoken kiss, a promise of sensuality and comfort, I swear my world would just spin into a tizzy of disaster. Falling, falling, will I meet an end to this descent or will I forever plummet into the unknown? I let my hopes float, like feathers of an angel's dusty wings after a massive battle. Am I fallen?

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